Real-Estate Listings for “Outdoor” Dining Spaces

Photographs: STAFF I Live Downtown
By Lex Winter and Emily Winter
February 10, 2021
The New Yorker

Feel you’ve been priced out of your favorite neighborhoods? Not anymore! Attainable real estate is everywhere, thanks to extensive new construction on the market: “outdoor” dining cabins.

Come cozy up in this legal loophole. This south-facing new build is right in the middle of the action. It boasts separate heat and gas at each of its tables, exposed plywood ceilings, on-site management, and a wired sound system that’s perfect for parties. Plus, this gem is within walking distance of a restaurant—mere steps away!

Share the air in this not-so-rare find! This four-hundred-square-foot watertight shelter, constructed in 2020, features concrete floors, heat lamps dangerously close to the flammable waxed-canvas walls, and zero ventilation. It was recently expanded, and its new wraparound banquet area takes up three full parking spots that would otherwise be available to the public.

Right on the Corner of Technically and Legal Street

This fully furnished Brooklyn brown-box has everything a hip New Yorker could want: ample vinyl windows, string lights, poor airflow, and no privacy. Six charming compartments separated by repurposed, ergonomic office-chair mats insure that diners will be able to eavesdrop on one another’s conversations—a staple of night life in the Big Apple.

Windows, windows, windows! Have you ever wanted to fail at using a QR code to access a menu on your phone—in a sunroom? Look no further! It’s time to take a calculated risk in this eco-friendly structure heated by the moist breath of strangers. With these skylights, you won’t even mind sharing a bathroom with a neighboring Starbucks.

Absolutely perfect for entertaining large groups. Breathe directly into strangers’ mouths in this stunning hundred-square-foot dining pod in a great school district. The owners of this enchanting chalet have thought of everything: little rugs so your feet don’t get cold, sanitizer at every table, and not one but two small vents slashed into its tarp walls. Lovingly erected just months ago, out of desperation fueled by a woefully inadequate government response to the coronavirus. (Neither seller nor broker guarantees the legality of the unit.)